My ideas for Casualty

In the UK there’s been a long-time medical TV series called Casualty; the YouTube video above shows you the opening titles from Series 15 (2000-2001).

The show is filmed in Bristol, but is set in the fictitious town of Holby — around which have sprung up two other series Holby City (set in the same hospital as Casualty, but on the wards rather than in A&E) and HolbyBlue, about the Holby police.

Guest directors

Anyway, with the non-UK readers catered for … I’ve often thought that it would be really cool to have an episode or two of Casualty each series directed by a guest director.

What would an episode directed by Quentin Tarantino look like? Or Ridley Scott? Or Tim Burton? Or how about Woody Allen?

Q. Who would your director of choice be and why?

I’d really like to see a Quentin Tarantino episode, I have to be honest. I’m just intrigued to know how he would handle it. I imagine there would be quite a lot of implied violence, mixed with the most intricate detail and trivial conversations. You can imagine, for example, an in-depth and heated conversation between two paramedics about the best glue to use for DIY tasks at home while attending a really gruesome train wreck.

The quiet episode

The other episode I’d really like to see is the quiet episode, the near-miss episode, the episode where everyone sits around in the A&E department not knowing what to do with themselves because it’s so quiet.

That’s one of the great things about Casualty: you always know that something awful is going to happen.

  • A couple in a car driving down a road. Cuts to a lorry carrying a dangerous looking cargo. CRASH!
  • A boy is playing with a frisbee near some pylons. “JIMMY!” He falls to the ground electrocuted.
  • A lady is trying to do two many things at once in the kitchen, while watching the baby. Cuts to man ringing doorbell. Lady rushes to open door but the fridge follows her and falls on top of her blocking the door. Baby starts crying as something on daytime telly has frightened her.

Let’s see what you could have won!

I didn’t say I wrote Casualty! But you get the idea. Well … in my episode:

  • A couple in a car driving down a road. Cuts to a lorry carrying a dangerous looking cargo. SWERVE! Phew! Near miss.
  • A boy is playing with a frisbee near some pylons. “JIMMY!” Jimmy notices the pylons, picks up the frisbee and decides that this is too dangerous a place to play. Phew! Near miss.
  • A lady is trying to do two many things at once in the kitchen, while watching the baby. Cuts to man ringing doorbell. Lady rushes to open door but he just wants to sell her insurance and she’s not interested. Baby laughs at an episode if Homes under the hammer. Phew! … Phew! again.

That’s my idea. If you’re a writer for popular BBC TV show Casualty, please feel free to use any of those ideas … on the conditions that:

  1. You call two of the characters Gareth and Jane.
  2. You help us choose two names for our twins.

I’ll waive my consultancy fee and EVERYTHING™.

Gloucestershire Zeitgeist

Crisp on cheese on plate

So there I was, playing with my food at lunch and I appear to have accidentally created the next Turner Prize.

For those who might not know about the Turner Prize:

The Turner Prize is a contemporary art award that was set up in 1984 to celebrate new developments in contemporary art.

The prize is awarded each year to: ‘a British artist under fifty for an outstanding exhibition or other presentation of their work in the twelve months preceding’.

Explanation

My piece is entitled Gloucestershire Zeitgeist.

The piece of cheese (Gloucestershire with herbs) is fashioned (by biting into it) into the shape of a saddled horse; it represents nature.

The potato crisp (an original Pringle) represents a sail, capturing the spirit of the age, the zeitgeist. It reminds us of man’s creativity through technology. Not always a good thing.

Together they represent humanity’s mistreatment of nature: like attaching a sail to a horse, which is clearly wrong.

The blue plate represents my desire not to get cheese on the table.