A while ago, I came across a post on Instagram from a psychologist. Sadly, I didn’t make a note of who wrote it.
The post was about dating after the end of a relationship. One idea in particular stayed with me: when you begin a new relationship, you don’t arrive as a blank slate. You bring aspects of the previous relationship with you.
He said, “Your nervous system is still calibrated to your last relationship.”
Not necessarily because you want it to be, but because experience shapes expectations. Things that happened before can affect what you notice, what you worry about and what feels safe.
And recently I’ve been thinking: the same is true when we start a new job.
We bring our previous workplaces with us
We often talk about somebody starting a new job as though everything resets on their first morning.
New company. New laptop. New colleagues. Clean slate.
But people don’t work like that.
- Someone may arrive after years of working for an excellent manager who trusted them and gave them room to grow.
- Or they may arrive after being micromanaged.
- They may have left because of a toxic workplace, bullying or burnout.
- They may have been made redundant and still carry some of the hurt of what felt like a rejection of their skills, experience and contribution.
- They may simply have spent years somewhere that worked very differently.
People don’t arrive at a new job free from history, anxiety or expectation. They arrive with hopes and fears; sometimes with scars.
This is why onboarding matters
I’ve experienced very different approaches to onboarding.
In one previous role, the onboarding process was essentially:
“Have you got your laptop set up?”
“Yes.”
“Great. On you go.”
But I didn’t know who anybody was. I didn’t know how the department worked. I didn’t know the team’s expectations or working practices. Very little was documented and nobody particularly reached out to me.
By the morning of my fifth day, I had written my own onboarding plan.
I worked out what I thought I needed to understand, asked the head of the department for a meeting and ran my list past them. I wanted to check that I was asking the right questions and find out who I needed to speak to.
I eventually found my way. But I didn’t feel especially welcomed, wanted or valued. That matters; I left within a year.
New starters need permission not to know
In another role, my boss called me at the end of my first week. He told me he was deeply disappointed that, as the new Scrum Master, I hadn’t already made significant changes to the team.
I explained that I thought my first responsibility was to listen. Meet people. Observe. Understand how the team works. Learn something about the organisation, its history, its constraints and the people within it before deciding what needed to change.
He disagreed.
I still think listening was the right approach. Especially when you’re joining an existing team, there is an enormous amount you simply cannot know on day one. Or day five.
A healthy onboarding process gives people permission not to know yet.
It should make it safe to ask questions. Safe to say, “I don’t understand.” Safe to learn how things work before being expected to change them.
Onboarding is about belonging
I’ve always thought this is part of a Scrum Master’s role too.
When somebody new joins a team, helping them settle in isn’t just an administrative task.
- Introduce them properly.
- Explain how the team works.
- Give them context.
- Make the unwritten rules visible.
- Invite their questions.
- Check in with them.
- Help them understand where they can contribute.
Most importantly, help them feel that they belong.
Because people rarely do their best work while wondering whether they are welcome.
Nobody arrives as a blank slate
On Monday, I start a new job.
I am looking forward to it enormously. I arrive with hopes, ideas and excitement about what might come next.
But I also arrive with experiences from previous workplaces. Some very good; some painful. Some that taught me what excellent leadership and teamwork can look like. Others that left scars.
And perhaps recognising that is useful. Because a new job doesn’t erase everything that came before it. The person walking through the door on their first morning has a history.
Good onboarding doesn’t pretend otherwise.
It gives them the time, information, relationships and the psychological safety they need to discover something important:
This is a new place.
These are new people.
And things might be different here.
Photo by Mantas Hesthaven on Unsplash
