Little Empire, part 3

Finally, for today. Imagine if C3PO and R2-D2 were like Andy and Lou, which they are. Kind of…

Andy & Lou

Artoo stops before the small hatch of an emergency lifepod. He snaps the seal on the main latch and a red warning light begins to flash. The stubby astro-robot works his way towards the cramped four-man pod.

ARTOO: Wanna go into the lifepod!

THREEPIO: Are you sure you want to go into the lifepod? You’re not permitted in there, you know. It’s restricted. You’ll be deactivated for sure…

ARTOO: Yeah, I know!

THREEPIO: Are you sure you want to go into the lifepod?

ARTOO: Yeah!

THREEPIO: It’s just the last time you got into a lifepod you found the weightlessness of drifting through space unsettling. You said that the experience of being cast adrift in the infinite expanse of space was like a metaphor for the existential loneliness of the human soul. And, if you remember, it was a right kerfuffle getting you out when we landed.

ARTOO: Yeah, I know. I WANT to go into the lifepod! I’m on a secret mission. I’ve got plans.

THREEPIO: Secret mission? What plans? What are you talking about? I’m not getting in there!

ARTOO: LIFEPOD! Wanna go see Obi-Wan Kenobi on Tattooine!

A new explosion, this time very close, sends dust and debris through the narrow subhallway. Flames lick at Threepio and, after a flurry of electronic swearing from Artoo, the lanky robot jumps into the lifepod.

INTERIOR: IMPERIAL STARDESTROYER.

On the main viewscreen, the lifepod carrying the two terrified robots speeds away from the stricken Rebel spacecraft.

CHIEF PILOT: There goes another one.

CAPTAIN: Hold your fire. There are no life forms. It must have been short-circuited.

INTERIOR: LIFEPOD.

Artoo and Threepio look out at the receding Imperial starship.
Stars circle as the pod rotates through the galaxy.

THREEPIO: That’s funny, the damage doesn’t look as bad from out here.

ARTOO: Yeah, I know!

THREEPIO: Are you sure this thing’s safe?

EXTERIOR: TATOOINE — DESERT.

Jundland, or “No Man’s Land”, where the rugged desert mesas meet the foreboding dune sea. The two helpless astro-droids kick up clouds of sand as they leave the lifepod and clumsily work their way across the desert wasteland. The lifepod in the distance rests half buried in the sand.

THREEPIO: How did I get into this mess? I really don’t know how. We seem to be made to suffer. It’s our lot in life.

ARTOO: Yeah, I know!

THREEPIO: I’ve got to rest before I fall apart. My joints are almost frozen. Well, Artoo, here we are on Tatooine, let’s go see Obi-Wan Kenobi and see what you wanted to tell him.

ARTOO: I don’t like it. I wanna go to Hoth!

Published by

Gareth Saunders

I’m Gareth J M Saunders, 46 years old, 6′ 4″, father of 3 boys (including twins). Latterly, web architect and agile project manager at the University of St Andrews and warden at Agnes Blackadder Hall. Currently on sabbatical. I am a priest in the Scottish Episcopal Church, and I sing with the NYCGB alumni choir.

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