Little Empire, part 1

Yesterday, my good friend James Frost and I began rewriting portions of the classic sci-fi film Star Wars in a Little Britain style. Here’s an excerpt. James wrote this bit:

OWEN: What I really need is a droid that understands the binary language of moisture vaporators.

JAWA: Oh, I can’t see anything here. One moment – Margaret’ll know. MARGARET! MARGARET!



JAWA: Have we got any droids that are fluent in the binary language?

OWEN: Of moisture vaporators.



MARGARET: I think we do have one – it should be out the front there – a red and white, R5 droid.

JAWA: (looks to one side) Oh yes, here we go! An R5 droid that’s fluent in binary, and oh – how funny – his last job was on moisture vaporators!

OWEN: May I have a look?

JAWA: Yes, go ahead.


JAWA: Well?

OWEN: I was hoping for a robot with a slightly more domed head.

JAWA: Oh, er… one moment. MARGARET! MARGARET!!



JAWA: Have we got any robots that are fluent in the binary language of moisture vaporators but that have a slightly more domed head than this R5 unit?

MARGARET: I think we do, yes – there’s an R2 unit down there!

JAWA: Oh yes, here we go – and he *does* have a more domed head than the other one.


OWEN: Did I mention that he should have dot matrix printer built into his face?

JAWA: I’m sorry, but this one doesn’t have a dot matrix printer built into his face.

OWEN: Oh… is there anywhere in the local area that specialises in droids with domed heads that are fluent in the binary language of moisture vaporators and have dot matrix printers built into their faces?

JAWA: I don’t think there are any in the local area, no.

OWEN: Oh, ok. I’ll wait.

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Gareth Saunders

I’m Gareth J M Saunders, 52 years old, 6′ 4″, father of 3 boys (including twins). Enneagram type FOUR and introvert (INFP), I am a non-stipendiary priest in the Scottish Episcopal Church, I sing with the NYCGB alumni choir, play guitar, play mahjong, write, draw and laugh… Scrum master at Safeguard Global; latterly at Sky and Vision/Cegedim. Former web architect and agile project manager at the University of St Andrews and previously warden at Agnes Blackadder Hall.