Little Empire, part 5

I’m going to stop promising which will be the last scene I post today. This one was mine:

LEIA: (softly) Dantooine.

[Leia lowers her head.]

LEIA: They’re on Dantooine.

TARKIN: There. You see Lord Vader, she can be reasonable. (addressing Motti) Continue with the operation. You may fire when ready.

LEIA: What?

TARKIN: You’re far too trusting. Dantooine is too remote to make an effective demonstration. But don’t worry. We will deal with your Rebel friends soon enough.

LEIA: No!

INTERIOR: DEATH STAR — BLAST CHAMBER.

VADER: Commence primary ignition.

[A button is pressed which switches on a panel of lights. A hooded Imperial soldier reaches overhead and pulls a lever. Another lever is pulled. Vader reaches for still another lever and a bank of lights on a panel and wall light up.]

IMPERIAL TROOPER: Computer says no!

Little Empire, part 4

Okay, I lied, one more episode, this one written by James:

EXT FOREST – LEIA’S CRASH SITE

The Ewok jumps up and grabs a four-foot-long spear, which he holds in a defensive position. Leia watches him as he circles warily and begins poking her with the sharp point of the spear.

LEIA: Cut it out!

[She stands up, and the Ewok quickly backs away.]

EWOK: Eh eh eh!!

LEIA: I’m not gonna hurt you.

EWOK: Eh eh?

[Leia looks around at the dense forest, and at the charred remains of her speeder bike, then sits down, with a sigh, on a fallen log.]

LEIA: Well, maybe you can help me. Come on, sit down.

[Leia removes her helmet and the Ewok runs about madly.]

EWOK: Eh eh eh!!

LEIA: Look, it’s a hat. It’s not gonna hurt you. Look. You’re a jittery little thing, aren’t you?

[The Ewok takes Leia’s hat and tries to stick it up his bum.]

EWOK: EH EH EH!!!

[The Ewok urinates in Leia’s helmet, smears mud down her face and calmly walks off.]

Little Empire, part 3

Finally, for today. Imagine if C3PO and R2-D2 were like Andy and Lou, which they are. Kind of…

Andy & Lou

Artoo stops before the small hatch of an emergency lifepod. He snaps the seal on the main latch and a red warning light begins to flash. The stubby astro-robot works his way towards the cramped four-man pod.

ARTOO: Wanna go into the lifepod!

THREEPIO: Are you sure you want to go into the lifepod? You’re not permitted in there, you know. It’s restricted. You’ll be deactivated for sure…

ARTOO: Yeah, I know!

THREEPIO: Are you sure you want to go into the lifepod?

ARTOO: Yeah!

THREEPIO: It’s just the last time you got into a lifepod you found the weightlessness of drifting through space unsettling. You said that the experience of being cast adrift in the infinite expanse of space was like a metaphor for the existential loneliness of the human soul. And, if you remember, it was a right kerfuffle getting you out when we landed.

ARTOO: Yeah, I know. I WANT to go into the lifepod! I’m on a secret mission. I’ve got plans.

THREEPIO: Secret mission? What plans? What are you talking about? I’m not getting in there!

ARTOO: LIFEPOD! Wanna go see Obi-Wan Kenobi on Tattooine!

A new explosion, this time very close, sends dust and debris through the narrow subhallway. Flames lick at Threepio and, after a flurry of electronic swearing from Artoo, the lanky robot jumps into the lifepod.

INTERIOR: IMPERIAL STARDESTROYER.

On the main viewscreen, the lifepod carrying the two terrified robots speeds away from the stricken Rebel spacecraft.

CHIEF PILOT: There goes another one.

CAPTAIN: Hold your fire. There are no life forms. It must have been short-circuited.

INTERIOR: LIFEPOD.

Artoo and Threepio look out at the receding Imperial starship.
Stars circle as the pod rotates through the galaxy.

THREEPIO: That’s funny, the damage doesn’t look as bad from out here.

ARTOO: Yeah, I know!

THREEPIO: Are you sure this thing’s safe?

EXTERIOR: TATOOINE — DESERT.

Jundland, or “No Man’s Land”, where the rugged desert mesas meet the foreboding dune sea. The two helpless astro-droids kick up clouds of sand as they leave the lifepod and clumsily work their way across the desert wasteland. The lifepod in the distance rests half buried in the sand.

THREEPIO: How did I get into this mess? I really don’t know how. We seem to be made to suffer. It’s our lot in life.

ARTOO: Yeah, I know!

THREEPIO: I’ve got to rest before I fall apart. My joints are almost frozen. Well, Artoo, here we are on Tatooine, let’s go see Obi-Wan Kenobi and see what you wanted to tell him.

ARTOO: I don’t like it. I wanna go to Hoth!

Little Empire, part 2

Another snippet of Little Empire, this one was written by me (with maybe some help from George Lucas, Matt Lucas and David Walliams):

TROOPER: How long have you had these droids?

LUKE: About three or four seasons.

BEN: They’re for sale if you want them.

TROOPER: Let me see your identification.

[Luke becomes very nervous as he fumbles to find his ID while Ben speaks to the Trooper in a very controlled voice.]

BEN: Look into my eyes. Look into my eyes. The eyes. The eyes. Not around the eyes. Don’t look around the eyes. Look into my eyes. You’re under. You don’t need to see his identification.

TROOPER: We don’t need to see his identification.

BEN: These are not the droids you’re looking for…

Little Empire, part 1

Yesterday, my good friend James Frost and I began rewriting portions of the classic sci-fi film Star Wars in a Little Britain style. Here’s an excerpt. James wrote this bit:

OWEN: What I really need is a droid that understands the binary language of moisture vaporators.

JAWA: Oh, I can’t see anything here. One moment – Margaret’ll know. MARGARET! MARGARET!

*pause*

MARGARET: YES!

JAWA: Have we got any droids that are fluent in the binary language?

OWEN: Of moisture vaporators.

JAWA: OF MOISTURE VAPORATORS?

*pause*

MARGARET: I think we do have one – it should be out the front there – a red and white, R5 droid.

JAWA: (looks to one side) Oh yes, here we go! An R5 droid that’s fluent in binary, and oh – how funny – his last job was on moisture vaporators!

OWEN: May I have a look?

JAWA: Yes, go ahead.

*pause*

JAWA: Well?

OWEN: I was hoping for a robot with a slightly more domed head.

JAWA: Oh, er… one moment. MARGARET! MARGARET!!

*pause*

MARGARET: YES?

JAWA: Have we got any robots that are fluent in the binary language of moisture vaporators but that have a slightly more domed head than this R5 unit?

MARGARET: I think we do, yes – there’s an R2 unit down there!

JAWA: Oh yes, here we go – and he *does* have a more domed head than the other one.

*pause*

OWEN: Did I mention that he should have dot matrix printer built into his face?

JAWA: I’m sorry, but this one doesn’t have a dot matrix printer built into his face.

OWEN: Oh… is there anywhere in the local area that specialises in droids with domed heads that are fluent in the binary language of moisture vaporators and have dot matrix printers built into their faces?

JAWA: I don’t think there are any in the local area, no.

OWEN: Oh, ok. I’ll wait.