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I N S T R U C T I O N S 

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In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed 
through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on 
consumer goods. 


On a Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping." 
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair.) 

On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase 
necessary. Details inside. 
(The shoplifter special.) 

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." 
(And that would be how...?) 

On some Swann frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." 
(But it's just a suggestion.) 

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not 
turn upside down." 
(Too Late!) 

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after 
heating." 
(As night follows the day...) 

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." 
(But wouldn't this save even more time?) 

On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or 
operate machinery after taking this medication." 
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents 
if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head colds off those 
forklifts.) 

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." 
(One would hope.) 

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use 
only." 
(As opposed to what?) 

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." 
(I gotta admit, I'm curious.) 

On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." 
(Talk about a news flash.) 

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open 
packet, eat nuts." 
(Step 3: Fly Delta.) 

On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not
enable you to fly." 
(I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this one.) 

On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your 
hands or genitals." 
(Was there a spate of this happening somewhere?!)